Another Big Decision when Marrying Later in Life is blending homes. Will you be moving into his home, will he be moving into yours or  will you be buying a new home that will be community property.  Either way, our impulse as women is to create a beautiful home right away. From our experience, these feelings are totally understandable. However, in these economic times it may not be prudent to completely refurnish a new home. A full discussion of the pros and cons together, of what needs to be done is absolutely essential to your beginning. There is nothing worse for a new marriage than to endure any form of financial hardship. You could permanently damage your relationship. As with many things in marriage and in life, negotiating in good faith is vital.

If you are  moving into your husband’s home, making immediate changes to reflect your style may not be the wise way to approach your new union. He may have established his home for many years with touches that reflect his style, tastes and memories. To completely redo his home will cause more than a little bit of friction. It will hurt his feelings, and give him the thought that what he has done is not right. Make your changes slowly. Take time to live together to see what treasures are most dear to him.

Big Daddy had completely redecorated his home before he called me for a date. Rather presumptuous I would say, but none the less endearing that he would undertake such a tremendous makeover. I also inherited his son as our roommate, so that was another factor to making any swift changes. A home with children living there is a situation not to be treated lightly. Respect the established quo and over time make little changes that will be accepted by everyone. Including the children’s needs is very important to building a close relationship.  In our home, there are still pictures on the walls and shelves of family times long ago. Mementoes which give comfort to all the children as they come and go. Precious memories to them of a history of togetherness, that I would never change.

Hugs,

Elizabeth & Marsha

www.marryinglaterinlife.com

Another Big Decision when Marrying Later in Life entails inheriting children from one or both parties. In my case, I inherited three young adults and Marsha & her Big Daddy inherited two a piece. The popular name given to this role is usually that of “step mom” or” step dad.”

We wouldn’t say it’s popular term. It just is, and the history we are not quite sure of. In many cases with blending families, the change of one parent’s position doesn’t come easily and is met with resistance and regret of how things use to be. These feelings start when you are dating seriously and officially begin when you marry. It is a challenging role to step into no matter what the circumstances were that led to the end of the first marriage. Children fear they will lose the love of their parent. Maintain a calm, supportive and loving nature. Through time and assurance, the children will learn to accept your position and value in the family. My new family calls me Liz. It feels more endearing and personal to all of us. None of us really embraced “step mom.” I was happy, as it always felt awkward and a term that didn’t feel family like.

We also like “step friend,” as that is what feels more natural when inheriting older children. You become their friends in a different way than their contemporaries. You certainly aren’t their Mother, even if she has passed away or isn’t around anymore. With younger children, if the above case is true with their Mother, you do take on the role of a step mom or adopted mother right away.

As  noted above when the children are younger, you also inherit the role of…”STEP NAZI.” The one in the family who must take on the role of a real mother. You are the one who sets the rules, leads by example and tends to their needs growing up. This is a difficult role, especially when the children are approaching the age of rebellion for establishing their own identity.

We would appreciate your thoughts on the words “Step Mom.” Does it define you in your new role, or are you referred to in your new family by another name. Only you know what feels right!

We have addressed blending families in depth in our soon to be released book Marrying Later in Life.

Hugs,

Elizabeth & Marsha

www.marryinglaterinlife.com

“Big Decisions” is one of the most important chapters in our new book, Marrying Later in Life. This segment of our book will set the tone and the future for a successful marriage. How to resolve differences of opinion, ways of living, thinking and communicating are all addressed in humorous and practical ways. Are you both flexible in your thinking or does one of you insist that an “A” always “A.”That a problem can only be handled in one way.

Meaning there is no other alternative to a decision.

This brings us to…”Pet Peeves!”

Are you both animal lovers, or does one of you dislike the thought of wet licks on your hands or feet as you walk through the door; not to mention having an animal sleep with you!  I suppose you can always defer to a tank full of fish or a rambunctious hamster spinning around in his cage. Somehow they don’t seem like pets you want to cuddle with!

People who love animals want one that responds to them. One who greets you at the door with unconditional love no matter what you did.  They immediately brighten your day. Animals add sparkle to your life in a way little children or grandchildren do.

Did you know that dogs evolved from wild wolves? They assimilated and bonded to humans because both parties release the hormone, oxytoxin, which is also found in the connection between mother’s and babies. Dogs are loyal, caring and will add comfort to your life through the years. Here is an amazing story from a”marrying later in life” couple.

Friends of ours lost their dog, Max, a couple of years ago. Max was really Les’s dog and Bobbe tolerated him as he came with Les when they were married. She was a bit relieved to be animal free so they would be able to travel more without worrying about Max. However, Les missed Max very much, and longed for that companionship. One day when Bobbe was out, Les got an unexpected call from a yellow lab breeder who just had a litter. He raced over and proudly picked out the prize of the litter, intending this time to show the dog.

Bobbe and Les had never talked about another dog, but Les knew he was making an important decision by himself, and felt guilty about coming home to share the news. Needless to say, it did not go over well.

Three days later, Les had emergency open heart surgery, so the breeder kept the dog 4 weeks until Les was out of the hospital.  As Les healed, the dog was continually at his side, encouraging his recovery.

Unnamed at this point except for his given “professional lineage name.” he got his paw caught in the whelping pen and a toe had to be amputated. After surgery and going back home with a sling around his paw, our friends aptly named him “Trio!”

Through all of this and Les’s speedy recovery because of Trio, Bobbe grew to love him more than she thought. He was not only named “Trio,” but they became the family of Trio!

Hugs,

Elizabeth & Marsha

www.marryinglaterinlife.com

Last week, after playing 18 holes of fun but exhausting golf at our club, we decided to be soothed by a cool, refreshing shower before going out to dinner. Our club is situated in the local mountains so it is very casual, especially after a round of golf.

I was dressing in the ladies room when a woman came in and complimented me on my dress and how pretty I looked. I thanked her and continued getting ready.

“Where are you going?” she said. “To a special party? You look so dressed up!”

No not to a party, I responded. We are just going out to dinner and I love getting dressed up for my husband!

” You must be newlyweds,” she said. No, I responded. We have been married 10 years and  I still love keeping the spark alive by dressing up just for “Big Daddy!”

Hugs,

Elizabeth & Marsha

One of the challenges we face when marrying later in life is combining personalities and households. Are you both organized throughout your life? In your work and in your home? Are you droppers, drapers or do you immediately hang your clothes up? Are your closets organized with different sections, or is everything just stuffed in?

Having the same personalities at home makes for a much smoother living style. If you are at opposite ends of keeping things clean and tidy, then the one who is not neat will drive the other one crazy. These are some of the Big Decisions you need to address before marrying. How you work out these issues before walking down the aisle will help build a successful marriage of communication and respect. Especially if you both work and your time together is limited to evenings, weekends and vacations. Big Daddy organizes his shoes and clothes to a point. He is not compulsive about keeping them up and  I don’t mind helping him out a time or two, but if I had to do it all the time I wouldn’t appreciate living that way.  I’d still love him to pieces, but we would have to establish some ground rules or get a daily maid. That is my ace card!

Hugs,

Elizabeth & Marsha

Today was another aha beauty day! I seem to be learning more about “How to simplify your daily Beauty Routine,” as I get older. I have never been one to overdo in the makeup department. This is probably a hand me down from my Mother.

Julia Cross from Steven’s & Cross Beauty in Newport Beach, is my new secret.  She shared with me her one secret of looking beautiful at any age, especially on your wedding day. Her secret? Having your eye brows shaped, plucked and dyed a week before your wedding. Julia recommends a week ahead because some ladies may have an allergic reaction to the waxing process, although she uses a gentler method. It was amazing for me to see the before and after. How it opened my eyes and brightened my whole face! When I came home earlier today, even Big Daddy mentioned how rested and pretty I looked.He always brightens my days. I wish I would have discovered this tip for my wedding day! Better late than never. And the gift is you don’t have to use mascara!

Hugs,

Elizabeth & Marsha